Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Randomize
