so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
