dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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