Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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