I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
