There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
