dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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