May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
