so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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