can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
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I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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