i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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