why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
