I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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