we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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