i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
