My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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