we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
