i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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