Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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