I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
