Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
