I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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