is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
