I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
