I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
