I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My life is pants optional.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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