the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
