i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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