I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
