I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
