this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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