we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
