you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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