her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize