I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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