My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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