My liver just broke up with me...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
