Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
