STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
