seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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