Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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