i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
