yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
