If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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