My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
