Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
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ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
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I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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