I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
the liver wants what the liver wants
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
