your parents love me but you hate me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
