all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
