Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
