She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
