i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
