this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
