Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Acid is not a monday night drug
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
