Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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