don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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