Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
