how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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