dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
