It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
