how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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