So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
